Together or Apart?

4.30 p.m. I ran all around to look for him. On our way he was all calm and serene resting besides me as both of us had a long day!! I was super keyed up to go home and meet everyone and how much should I regret that in the excitement I lost him. I hate to say good bye but it had to happen.Someday.

“Where should I begin? Should I start by telling that how much I miss him? Or the days I have spent with him were beautiful? Or that in the short time I had known him, I had come to believe that we were meant to be together. I can say all these things and all would be true, but as I reread them, all I can think is that I wish I were with him, holding him and value him for what he was to me.”  <>

We met on my last birthday in London. He was famous then, everyone used to talk about him and so did I. My lifelines, my friends there, understanding my growing feelings for him, introduced us. I never knew that we will come so far, but nonetheless it was love at first sight. Recently we celebrated our first anniversary unaware of the fact that it would be the last. He was a true witness of all my laughs, smiles, tears, emotions, banters and discussions. There were times when I disliked him. Hated him.Overexpected but he never stepped back whenever I needed comfort or I wanted to talk, bitch or simply blurt out any storm rising inside me.  He had his typical charm of reminding me of the good times when I was down or emotional... be it my best friend turning gay on friendship’s day or the awesome house parties we had or the weirdest dance lessons my friends practiced or all the simple, funny and extremely hilarious arguments I had with my pals whom I miss all the time.
 
“M’am, you would need to board the flight now or you will have to miss it” A flight attendant told me the same with a worried and comforting look. She was aware that it would not be an easy decision for me. He was no where. ..I had to make a choice. I didn’t know when would I see him again? Probably never. There is something about him that I will never forget. He entered my life as my birthday present and I didn’t know when he became a part of it.

I can just hope that some day we l be united as your ringtone is still echoing in my heart... My LG Cookie…!! I miss you.

 

I am not talkin to you..

And she again picked her mobile to check if there was any message. Again and yet again. There was no sign of text. She was never ever this itchy and restless. Her mind and heart started another battle of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ego. After a while she picked up the mobile wrote a message, deleted and then wrote few simple words “was wondering if we can have a word?” Very soon the phone beeped. She frantically picked up the phone with the most fidgety and distressed look. “Dominos Pizza is celebrating its 15th anniversary..Choco Lover cake is free with every purchase”. She clutched the phone so tight as if wanted to rip it into pieces. She couldn’t. She needed to talk. Tears rolled down her cheeks as if her world had come to an end and one mobile beep could bring some hope in the murky dead soul.

Next day she woke up with puffy eyes as if they were struggling to sleep all night. The day looked much better; at least she was able to breathe but still the sinking feeling inside the heart stayed. She checked rechecked and checked her mobile. “Probably he would be having a low battery? Or he will be busy? Or due to network issues the message would have not  reached?” Versatile thoughts kept crossing her mind and after an intense debate within herself she decided to call. Already a story was being built right from subject to body with a firmness of keeping it brief. Some b’ful number as his caller tune, ran butterflies down her stomach. “tum ho to gata hai dil… tum nahi to geet kaha…” and soon the melodious tunes faded into the anticipated fear “The user has not answered. Please try after sometime”. “Did I make a fool of myself by calling and messaging?..huh..Am I the only one who cares about our relationship? Why it’s always me who is taken for granted? Why it’s just me who has to suffer?” As the time passed and the mobile screen didn’t show any sign of life, the soft vulnerable emotions turned rebellious. Ego creped in and her face turned crimson red. She was angry, sad, disappointed, worried and insecure, all at the same time. Her mind was pregnant with millions of emotions in one go and at this point she needed no one but him.. just him... desperately.

Yes like it happens in every relationship they had an argument and they didn’t know when that argument turned into fight and then battle and in no time a war was going on in her mind. They again had a fight last afternoon and he left home leaving the conversation in between. It made the matters worse. It took few hours to made her realize that she is missing him. There is something terribly wrong between them and it needs to be sorted out. She loved him and so did he. She recalled when it was the last time when they just clasped each other’s hands and laughed over every silly thing around them. There was no room for priorities, insecurities, tears, even disappointment and the biggest hurdle ‘self’. When did ‘we’ turned into ‘I’ ‘me’ ‘myself’, none of them had any clue. Last time he didn’t like the way she spoke to his friend he had just introduced. He was growing possessive about her. She obviously enjoying the lime light shrugged off his concerns. A few such incidents and a fraction of trust he had, went for hibernation and things were not the same. It had changed. She went ahead to sort out the matter, just to make it worse. He had made his own unknown plans to hurt her, to make sure that she still values him. And the tussle went on when one day things went way above their control.They shouted at each other, raised fingers and dunno when said so much which they never meant and was so difficult to absorb for each of them. She found her blurting that she would never want to see him again. She regretted at ther very moment and he left.She wanted to rewind the time and pause where they were happy together but it was too late.. at least she thought so.

Suddenly the phone bell rang and Nidhi immediately picked up….a familiar voice came...”Come down”!!! She didn’t even waste a single minute, picked her jacket, shrugged the voices from behind (some one was asking.. whr d hell r u going in this condition…) and she ran downstairs…There was him….Nikhil sitting at the door steps. He was all quiet….Nidhi didn’t know what to say too... it seems they both had just gone through a battle of their own thought processes… everything was calm as if something has just happened or something is about to happen.  Nidhi sat right next to Nikhil holding his hand tightly as if she wants him to know that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about….Nikhil didn’t react and once he knew that things are in control he said….”I don’t know what to say right now… I just came by” And Nidhi with all her comforting gestures and a tear rolling down her cheeks said “It’s good you came. Its all fine.”

And then the school bus blew horn again and again which made them realize.. they r going to miss the school today. It was not a normal day.. it was the novel beginning of their newly found friendship.

So close yet so far..

PEEPLI [LIVE] - Hats off.

PEEPLI [LIVE] is an Aamir Khan production masterpiece revolving around a farmer duo 'Natha' and 'Budhia' in a small village called 'Peepli' in India.

Just when I felt proud that this is going to create some stir as it’s a tight smack on the TRP starving media and an eye opener for the supremacy craving contaminated corrupted political structure….I read a comment of one of my friends on facebook stating it the worst movie she has ever seen. “Come again? Worst movie?” “Oh, I remember u saw ‘DDLJ’ some 25 times.” “Yes that’s the real rural area of India where Raj stands with open arms 4 one and only Simran... (Indian values and a bucket full of glycerine).” “Please stick to it and hopefully there will be a flat surface where you could bang your head and never raise it again.”:-/

Just when we were celebrating our 64th independence day thinking, contemplating and pondering over our current rich and poor wide.. Our MPs didn’t take a step back in fighting hard for their 500% hike instead of approved 300. Claps and three cheers to our leaders !! Wonderful.

This is happening in a country where a large proportion of population live in rural areas lacking with very basic amenities for living.

Real PEEPLI through my lens : A so called developed village in Rajasthan.

Laal Bahadur - Handpumps are still considered luxury there !!

Female kids are still not being sent to schools, forget college.

Folks there still live in huts made up of dried mud - its not a camping location but a real house.

and we share the same home land boasting about our values, culture and diversity. We, the youth of India.. call ourselves educated. SIGH.

Different Phases | Different Faces

Do you remember the time when it was your first day of school? Amm…tough... huh!! Let me share with you mine. If I try to recall, I can only see a crying and howling kiddo gal who just wanna say NO to this brutal change that has been imposed to her, who just don’t wanna get out of the friendly surrounding of her warm abode, who just do not want to miss the tenderness of family and be exposed to this bizarre world. I was so small still, it was so difficult to trust new faces, to smile when there was no pain, to be calm even when everyone around was ensuring that it would be all right …..but no one cared about my panic and this Change was inevitable..!! SIGH!!


I went to school, and with no logic, no brains, no reason, I started developing this strong liking for some people, some teachers and of course the fellow students. I hated Mrs Smith, who used to keep giving me diary notes for something or the other, Sister Molly who used to scare us with her cane. I still don’t know why talking is such a big sin in school even if it is a free period….Giggling is like a heinous crime and schools do not find laughter as the best medicine but something like killing black sugar/cocaine. Why it was necessary and why I had to follow? Among all these alien facts of life, it was a mandatory norm to have a best friend and so I had to look for one. “Madhu” seemed to be the best option as she was also blessed with as many no of diary notes as I had and used to stay near my house (For sure an achievement). "Why don’t you give me bread and butter in the tiffin and why these paranthas??" That was the question I asked my Mom for a long time who says we are not copy cat even when we are kids... it’s in the genes I suppose, and now the same kid inside craves for the same paranthas overlooking the big glass window of a big MNC.


I grew with the same attitude and came to senior school. Madhu somehow managed to fail in 4th standard and then her family got relocated to another city. Long distance relationships were an issue then too. Sections changed; from VC I came to V1B.... again the same problem of long distance...!! The best friend thing now changed to gang of close friends...Now the idea was to have fun and talking on phone for hours and going to each other's place for spending/killing time or sharing the latest crushes and talking about things which the world feels is an offence to even think about..... Shachi Sharma, Disha M Daniel, Veethika Sharma along with a lots and lots of more friends came into picture. We used to take vows that we are the best friends ever and will never part but it didnt take a lot of time for us to drop the flag of friendship and getting trapped into real world competition, results, grades, extra curricular activities, responsibilities, family, IIT, Tuitions and Ranking etc etc...!! And in a blink school got over and we entered into the “Mature” category of species. We filled hundreds of slam books writing all the major good things we could say, signed School shirts, promised to keep touch and planning get-togethers regularly...and said Final Good Bye to the most carefree days of our lives.. – School days were over!!


College and Hostel was an entirely new planet to peep in. Here I was told that now I am all on my own....I will learn to face the actual reality of the world here. Again, new faces, new environment, no family, It was tough....Thanks to a few school friends who came along and were the only saving grace in this strange phase. Friends were supposed to play the role of family and Hostel was supposed to give a feeling of home away from home...!! That was the instance when the first time I realized that how much I value my family and how much I love them. Well, the chapter had started and there was no point in looking back. I was not lucky as my college was not as rocking as portrayed in bollywood/hollywood movies...... “No bunking? What? You can not bunk”?? That’s what we are seeing in all THE movies... Why the hell in movies, heroes and heroines do not need to follow the 75% attendance rule? And the marks of internal exams would be added in the final semester. Duh!! I was never disappointed in my life so much as I was now. Engineering is tough. That’s what we had heard. But we humans are amazing in figuring out workarounds for every tough situation. The genuine habit of loving and being loved could not sweep its way and sooon we had a big gang of best friends ever who had to eat, drink, sleep, study (that was rare), gossip, and party together.


It was indeed a proud feeling even if all of us were being ragged in tri-color salwar kameez and two 'laddus' made out of our hair dripping with ‘banfool’ oil: P Again the world was just friends and family took a back seat even in holidays. "Oh Mom, I don’t want to go in those boring parties...can I go to Shilpi's house till d time u come" "Papa, I am just coming in an hour... going for group studies bhaiya, u know its tough to study alone". Ghar had become a resort to relaxxx and have goood food!! Every good thing has to come to an end…..and so had to be the case with the college and the real world stroke back. We were scared, down trodden...not to leave college but to leave friends cum families behind. Friends, who were strangers just 4 years back, now were the world.

We moved on....


I came to another city, stepped in the corporate world.. !! I was earning now and my parents were proud of me..."You know my daughter is in one of the most reputed organization of India"... But who knows, the daughter was scared, as sacred as she was on the first day of her school plus missing the best time she had in college.... she had to deal with this CHANGE in her life. An Entirely new city miles away from familiarity, new surroundings, new job and again new faces. But man is a social animal, indeed he is but so are women ? !! Somehow I could see a lot of people with the same kind of feelings concealed, same apprehensions and kind of same fear and so it didn’t take any more time for us to get together and crack this new encrypted code of our life. Acquaintances turned into camaraderie and then to an intact bond. Again the wheel of life started moving fast… there were friends and roomies, to share, care, emote, party, to celebrate b'days and making each other feel special. Now if there was a problem in the electricity bill, I would not call dad or electricity department.. it had to be Kohli first :-) Kohli, Chiggi, Singhal, Himanshu, Ekta, Priyank..........................and we had a lovely gang again to rely on, to call them our world, and to sing together the rhythms of friendship. Strange world, no rules...... i so much believe that the same equation of love makes a lot of sense in friendship too... "Dosti kee nahi jaati, ho jati hai"!!!

The series of life didn’t change the pattern when the projects changed, location changed, country changed, relationships changed….and it went on and on.

We love our parents and relatives, we love all our friends from school, college, work….who at some point of time touched us deeply, we always try to make it a point that we remind them that how much we miss them, how much importance they hold in our lives, how having them in our life makes a difference… but as the series goes forward, some bonds seems fading, we lose touch, we feel insecure and then get more and more merged in another colourful and challenging phase with new faces. Phases change, Faces change…but you know what’s the beauty in this pattern…? Love never dies!!! We might have the feeling that it has faded but what’s needed is to just give it a small wispy puff of warmth and it will start blazing as it had never shined before.